The Dating Dope

By Eric J. Leech, Author of Love, Lust, and Relationships (http://www.datingsite.org)

Author Bio:
Having grown up in a rather Y-chromosome deficient neighborhood, I spent my childhood playing house, Barbies (vs. G.I. Joe)… and the classic, Truth or Dare. Several years down the road, I attended Colorado State University where I earned four degrees in Psychology (emphasis on human sexuality), Social Sciences, English, and Theater Arts. I have since found myself putting my education to good use, writing relationship and sex advice articles for various books, magazine columns, and dating websites.

You hear it time and again that communication is the key to relationship, which is true to some degree. However, the moment this phrase is presented to a couple; they think it means talking about their daily frustrations, triumphs, and goals for the upcoming year. Verbal communication is without a doubt important, but I am going to share a little secret with you. Sometimes words do more harm than good!

Dropping the Stone

Great speakers know one of the most effective techniques of a motivational speech is not always the power of the words coming out of their mouth, but the power of the silence that is carefully placed in between. It is sometimes referred to as “dropping a stone.” If you imagine your partner as a vast sea, each time you drop a stone into the salty water, it will take a while for its ripples to translate across its surface. When you are listening to your partner drone on about a problem, something very powerful happens when silence follows a main point. You think to yourself, What just happened? What did he or she just say? What does this have to do with me?

In other words, silence is the moment a listener can reflect back on what was being said, which will bring a greater understanding and clarity to your words. Silence also has the power to motivate our partner to step up to the plate, and tell you how they feel.

Silence to Understand and Motivate

Imagine a time when your partner said something that either made you unbelievably cross, happy, or completely confused. The typical reaction is to take immediate action to those feelings. However, I’m going to suggest not to do this, and here’s why. When a partner says words out of anger, that he or she does not mean; silence gives him or her the chance to digest what was just said, and the opportunity to recant, or rephrase. On other occasions, a partner’s words can become clouded by over thinking, and the only thing to do is wait patiently for them to clarify, and this should be done without passing judgment until you understand their full intent.

Too many women have thrown their arms around a man who has muttered the words, I love you. Men sometimes say words without thinking about their meaning. However, when those words are left hanging in the air, their consequence becomes quite clear and understood. Silence gives a man the chance to appreciate the commitment he has just made. It is also in these moments of silence that a speaker can be inspired by their own words, and serve as motivation to uphold them.

Sometimes The Squeaky Wheel Gets Replaced

Relationship experts tell us that we need to express our feelings more. However, there is such a thing as expressing them too much. There is a fine line between nagging and asking, especially, when you seem to have more bad things to say. It is good to express your feelings to your partner, but make sure you’re willing to eat the worms (words), before you open the can! Making multiple requests to a partner, dilutes the power of your words, and makes you appear insecure, hesitant, and insincere. A better way to get your point across, is to make your request, and allow silence to act as the exclamation point.

Something else to consider, is that there is very little to gain from puffing your cheeks. As the Big Bad Wolf learned; you can’t huff your way through a stone wall, or in this case, a mighty fortress of stonewalling. Patricia Love EdD and Steven Stosny PhD, authors of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, have some additional advice. When words no longer seem to make a difference, actions speak louder. This could be a hug, batch of cookies, or a kiss good morning. There are two sides to every argument, and you should listen and understand your partner, regardless of how wrong you think they are. Finally, don’t take your partner’s silence to mean something is wrong. Just because they are acting grumpy, doesn’t necessarily mean it is directed at you. Make use of silent empathy (hand on shoulder, love note, etc.) to help remind your partner that you are there for them.

Stop fighting to be heard, and let the power of silence find the right words for you!

Many men think they know how to love a woman, but you can see evidence of the contrary in the fact most relationships don’t last six months nowadays. What a man calls love and what a woman calls love are two different things. A woman constantly needs reassurance of love in the relationship. Many men however, still act like they are cavemen. What I mean is they are excited about the chase, and they will do anything to win the girl. Once they achieve that goal, the effort and the love begin to fade. Here are some tips on how to find the woman of your dreams, and if you already have her, some tips to keep her.

This may sound extremely simple, but tell her you love her. Tell her when she least expects it, and tell her often. A sure sign that you are not telling her enough, is if she asks you the question, “Do you love me?”. The reason why she is asking is because she is unsure if you really do, so you can gain major points by telling her often. Write it on her mirror, leave her a note, text her, just tell her.

When you were courting or chasing the girl in your life you loved everything about her. Now that you have her, you see flaws and you let her know about them. Stop critiquing your girl about her short comings, and love her for who she is, completely. You woman may be sexy, intelligent and even generous, but that isn’t why you love her. You love her for all of what she is. Tell her you think she is sexy once in a while, and watch her eyes light up.

If you want to make your relationship last, you must live in the moment. What I mean is, do not dwell on the past. Do not bring up ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers or times you remember your girl was less than faithful. If you are committed to be in a relationship you need to stop looking in the rear view mirror, and drive forward. The easiest way to kill your relationship is to berate her over things that happened in the past. Let it go, or you will be soon letting her go.

You want your girl to love you, then start by loving yourself. If you love yourself, you will receive love in return. If you are telling yourself good things and loving the person you are, you can only express that same love to the woman in your life. She will see and feel your love and give it back to you ten fold.

Do you find yourself saying that your wife/girlfriend doesn’t know you? Want to know what that really is saying? You don’t understand the woman in your life. If you want your relationship to grow, you should get to know her better. I mean all her likes, dislikes, just take a genuine interest in her and watch a miracle happen. She will see you are interested in her brain and not just her body. She will see you in a whole new light.

Pay attention to her as well, because if you don’t, there is a guy nearby that will. Did you know that many of the habits your girl has, that you think annoy you to no end, are simply her way of trying to get your attention? Woman love attention, it is very simple to miss this tip if you aren’t aware of it. You will begin ignoring her annoyances, when in reality they are attempts to get you to come closer to her. You do not have to be a puppy on a lease around her, just give her some unexpected attention. Tell her that her shoes look amazing, tell her that her hair looks nice, ask her how was her day, and genuinely pay attention.

One final tip is to never go to bed angry. This can save your relationship if you practice it enough. If you ignore it, your fights will become more frequent and will eventually end the relationship. If you have a fight, cool off, then go to her before bed and tell her you love her and do not like fighting. Agree to disagree and sleep together in the bed. You need to both be grateful for every day you two are together. Try telling her everyday, in different ways that you love her. You will build a strong unit that will last a long time.